qdr86

Community and Art (Nanowrimo)

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:42:15 GMT

Hey livejournal friends, I already know of a few of you...is anyone participating in Nanowrimo? The idea of Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) is to write a novel (for pure fun, in my opinion!) between November 1st and the 30th. Getting the words out on paper (or screen) is what counts: the idea is to try for 50,000 words in novel form (however you want to define "novel"). I'm considering some of my own experiences through novel writing so at least one character will probably be genderqueer. Another reason I'm participating is to broaden my art community. Knowing other artists and creative people deepens my awareness of my own creative process. I love sharing art and art process with others and I get a lot of joy out of knowing what and how other creative people create. So I would be excited to know: if you are looking for community around art & creativity, and/or if you are participating in nanowrimo. www.nanowrimo.org/

Experiences w/ eye pain on T?

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 06:46:08 GMT

Has anyone experienced eye pain or sensitivity when they started T (or know of someone how has)? A few days after I did my 100mg shot, my eyes started hurting: a general pain, sensitivity to light, and some dryness. It has affected my ability (for about a weeks so far) to go outside, be in highly-lit rooms, or stare at a computer screen for too long and it just kinda hurts. I searched some of the tags in the ftm community but people were mostly talking about how increased oil secretion can affect the eyes and I don't have increased oil (yet...). I've been really stressed about it because I've been worried it means I might not be able to be on T (though at the same time I realize I might be having a bit of an extreme (emotional) reaction). I'm going to try to get in with my doctor when student health re-opens, but any information or thoughts people have would be much appreciated.

3 small updates

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 22:27:53 GMT

*I'm looking into getting hrt/T from the university health center. It's unclear whether the doctor will take my letter or if I need to get one from the counselors at the center. It feels good to be moving on this again, though I have some un-processed anxiety that relates to my bad experience with the previous doctor. I'm also having a bit of trouble conceptualizing my desire for T, and I can't tell if it's because I'm fearful of doctors or if I'm less interested in T. (In another annoying bit, my psychiatrist was questioning my dislike of previous doctor, frustrating because it's still pretty intense for me to even remember my appointment with that doctor, let alone try to justify it to someone.)

*Current assignment in class is to do two paintings one "non-representational" and one my choice in two weeks, a much longer timeline and more open parameters compared to the previous two weeks. I'm interested in painting faces, and I'd like to paint from life, meaning either myself or another model. Looking at myself is often some degree of intense, but maybe I should follow my interest.

*I get a real high from running, I think it has balanced my energy/moods too. I walk around with a bit more confidence and a bit less body dysphoria. Some days though I don't get enough sleep, so when I want to run it's hard to justify it...that's the thing about pushing my body, I need to be giving it rest too.

Life Drawing Monday

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:53:39 GMT

During art class this morning, I had this overwhelming feeling of loss around gender and body. We were drawing a male nude which seemed fine until the end of our last break. During break, I felt stuck talking with this insecure person who was telling me how her art wasn't good enough instead of talking with these two guys in the class who I like, in part because I see them as queer men. I felt like I could almost go over and talk to the two guys except for the insecure person and that I was a bit shy. As I started drawing the model again, I felt loss/anxiety about not talking to the two (queer) guys and then around my body (in relation to the model's body). My emotions came from one interpretion of the situation (of many) that I was left out of a queer/mascuilne space because I'm not percieved as a man. I felt so anxious that I left the room for a while. My upset-ness seems to come from feeling that I can't have the body or the social space that I need. Sometimes I don't realize how intense my feelings are and how vulnerable I feel around gender/body until something (unlikely) triggers it. To me, these feelings are true in the way raw emotion always is, though they are not the whole picture--I do share mascuilne/queer space with others (even in art class) and I'm finding ways to make my body dysphoria better. At the same time, I wonder what it's like when issues of body and gender are less distracting...how much more space would I have to make art, or whatever else?

Therapist's Response

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 21:14:21 GMT

Thanks everyone who responded to my last post, I felt extremely vulnerable after seeing that Doctor and it was good to have people call her out when I wasn't able to myself. As I've been supporting myself and finding support in others, I realized some bothersome things about my therapist. I talked with her by phone yesterday and while she appeared somewhat supportive, there were a few things that upset me. 1. She wanted to call the Doctor I saw and ask her about the "body type" comment (ie. Doctor claimed T would do nothing for my "body type" and my therapist wants to know what she meant. It annoys me that my therapist doesn't get that this "body type" speculation is totally uneducated and thinks that the Doctor, who was so misinformed and transphobic would have give her a good answer). 2. She repeated something that she has said two or three times before: that T is a steroid and there is likely possibility it would make me manic (from what I've learned responses to T are very individualized, even among the bipolar trans guys I've talked to (who often became more stable post-T), so this repeated--and seemingly uneducated comment--is frustrating). 3. She repeated at least twice that the only hormone letter she would provide would be one that discloses my bipolar diagnosis. I didn't even ask her for one with out it, so I'm a little curious why she was so firm about it when I was feeling vulnerable and shitty. She stated it so firmly that I started to feel like she had made some controversial decision for and there was nothing I could do to change it. I would rather negotiate bipolar disclosure in the letter when I'm feeling better, but I guess she had already made that decision for me. At this point, I'm not clear about whether WPATH standards state that "comordities" must be disclosed, but if she had mentioned that I would have understood--it's the rules, not some annoying paternalistic thing she's doing (has anyone had experience with this?). I feel like my therapist doesn't really understand how hostile this Doctor really was to me. My sense is that cis and nontrans folks have a hard time understanding the intense degree of transphobia in the world, and particularly in healthcare, especially in such a "liberal, great" place as Eugene so this may be what is going on with my therapist, but to be honest, it really breaks my trust with her.

Denied Hormones

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 03:54:44 GMT

So I had my letter and all my tests showed that I'm in good physical health so I thought I would be good to go. I should have realized something was up when the first thing she asked me was if I "passed." The doctor also tried to get me to tell her what my "old name" was and was fixated on a previous mental health hospitalization that occurred three years ago. She told me that I needed to "trust her more" and sign a release for the mental health charts from that hospitalization. She also told me that hormones would make me aggressive and would do nothing for my "body type" --I should pursue "surgical options" (I tried to ask her what my "type" was but could not get a specific answer). At the end I said that I'm very invested in trying hormones and have done a lot of research. She told me "this isn't blood pressure medication," "this is a big decision," "I'm not a pushover," and to make a follow up appointment where we would re-consider the matter. I'm pretty upset and hurt, I know, she was fucked up, I just wish I had walked out or asserted myself in some way so I'm not left feeling so shitty. I wasn't in the place to be assertive though, I felt super vulnerable. I guess I'm going to have some self-care now...

trying running

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 05:05:46 GMT

I'm going to try running again. That doesn't mean I'll be a runner again, I'm just going to (very slowly and gently) try it. I used to run in middle and high school. I loved the rush, the ache in my legs, the feeling of my lungs opening up. In middle school I would run up to five miles every other day and in high school I used running to train for soccer. I stopped as I realized that I was running to control my body: being athletic made me feel thin--and made me thin--and may have distracted me from my body and gender dysphoria. There was an aspect of pain and competitiveness: getting a faster and faster time made my self esteem go up too. In the past few years, I've become consciously aware of my body perfectionism (or my own fat phobia) and my dysphoria. To deal with it, I've exercised far less frequently and intensely. I cared for myself in better (though not always ideal) ways: I covered up with layers of clothing, took walks and bike rides, came to the decision to try T, processed the idea/reality of my own fatness (as I've gained weight over the past few years). So I'm beginning again, and this time I want to be present with the empowering aspects of moving, of using my body in a new way, of breath, of the way I access a calmer, more balanced self when I move. I'm so excited to try running again, but I'm being careful: I'm going to do my best not to use running as a form of body/mind-control but as a way to develop and enjoy my body and mind.

excitement

Sat, 30 May 2009 22:08:22 GMT

I have an appointment next week to get into a clinic where there is a doctor experienced with hormones and trans people. My T letter has been sent (or will be sent in the next few days) directly to the clinic. I'm surprised at how purely excited I am. Somehow, moving forward with the process changes things: some of my doubts, my worries have fallen away. It's actually a bit distracting, I can't stop thinking about T! I also feel like I care less about the "she's" and my body dysphoria. With T, I imagine those things ending...it feels like a complicated kind of day dream around identity, my whole self is enraptured with the idea of T.

At the same time, I want to hold a small space where I'm okay if I get my first bit of T and I don't like it, or, if I don't like it after a while. Or, if, when the time comes to do the deed, I don't want to do it. Right now, I think of T as something that will seemlessly relieve gender troubles but my rational side knows that T may have it's own complications. It reminds me of art or creative processes: I can think about an idea or project forever, but actually touching and crafting the materials changes everything. That's what I'm feeling, or looking forward to: the material process.

Arlene Stein?

Tue, 26 May 2009 08:56:38 GMT

Does anyone know about Arlene Stein? A prof. from Rutgers, she is visiting my school and I'm wondering about this talk she is giving and how she might address transphobia (or be transphobic?). The talk is put on by the Women's and Gender Studies dept. and is celebrating the new Queer Studies minor. I couldn't find much about her from searching google or scholarly articles on my school's library site...am I not looking hard enough?

Here's the description of the talk by Arlene Stein from the department's facebook event page:
The Incredible Shrinking Lesbian World and Other Queer Conundra
"Recently, a number of observers have warned of the "emptying out" of the lesbian category, and the decline of lesbian communities. Some blame this presumed decline on the rise of transgender and queer activism and the emergence of a "post-feminist" generation. Steins' talk will evaluate these claims and discuss teh legacy of identity politics today."

fear/hormones/increasing body dysphoria

Tue, 12 May 2009 01:51:01 GMT

I feel some pressure to try hormones, to see if they might lift some of the unwanted aspect of bipolar. I've heard stories of trans people's mental health improving with hormonal transition and with how much bipolar stuff can rule my life, it seems like an important thing to try. Also important, I feel like T might lift some of my feelings of dysphoria around my body, but there's a problem. I have a lot of fear around anything that draws attention to my body regardless of it's positive, transformative potential. My primary coping strategy with body dysphoria has been to avoid anything that emphasizes the state of my body. Body dysphoria brings me into this paniced, anxious state. I have other fears around T, but one of them is that T might heighten my awareness of my body in a way that makes me even more uncomfortable. I feel like I've been body-avoiding since I was very younge, and it's even hard for me to place this process or name it at times. If anyone on my flist has experienced this, I'd love to hear about it, feel free to share.

As I thought, my anxiety and depression lifted and I'm doing better since my last post, I figured I would mention that though I mostly wanted to write about gender today.

sick

Wed, 06 May 2009 08:42:26 GMT

It seems good to write at the moment, though difficult. Difficult because I don't want to think about what's going on. I've really been struggling in the last week and a half---I feel in a different state, isolated, numbed. I'm having difficulties leaving the apartment. I'm not going to classes, and I may have to withdraw for the term, if things don't get better soon. My social circle has temporarily shrunk to my partner who is wonderful and has been giving me a lot of support, but...I miss being around other friends and people. It's hard for me to share this part of myself with friends, the 'sick' part, I tend to, instead, withdraw. I'm not sure how to describe my experience, mostly, it's a lot of anxiety and some depression. I also feel fatigued, very slow. Each class, each person I don't see, each hour I spend in the apartment managing my anxiety I feel pieces of my life that I've worked hard to get, fall away. It's painful, I start to question if I'll ever get my degree, if I should even be in school right now, if I should move back to my parents. Yes, I'm a bit pessimistic too. In a way, I value difficulty, the new perspective, having to step way back: I understand myself in a slightly new way...but it's hard.

self care, medicine, art, gender

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 02:42:07 GMT

I had some intensity/psychosis Monday night so I'm trying to help myself relax. It's difficult when I have so much work waiting, but I don't have the focus right now to move things forward. I feel anxious and unsure of myself. I'm frustrated about my psychiatrist and maybe my parents for not understanding how much damage "just" trying a new med can do. Medication can be beneficial, but it does not feel worth it for me, at least during the school term. I'm just too sensitive to these medicines, they can have such intense, terrible "side" effects. The next step, which I've been afraid to take for months (I think because I don't know what to expect), is to look into alternative medicines. I have a few names of naturopaths. Hopefully I can look into that soon. Also, I try remember there's a lot of things I can keep working on by myself, like having the best sleep/diet/exercise/vitamins I can for myself.

My sculpture class has been difficult. Our assignment is "Personal Shelter" and I'm struggling with the concept. I tried to explain my idea to my prof. but it was about gender and I got shy and left a lot of my thoughts out. I wonder if I need to stop focusing in on personal stuff. As far as gender, I feel like I haven't been noticing gender troubles it as much since psychosis Monday. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm still really excited about physical transition plans--I hope to move that forward after my meds are more stable, and, to be honest, I feel like I'd like to be also be a bit healthier overall (though I'm not exactly sure what that means either).

I mentioned I would post pictures of my last sculpture project. As soon as I get some good pics of the feet, I'll post them.

Pilltown

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 17:54:03 GMT

Over the years, I've tried to treat bipolar with probably more psych. meds than I can easily remember. I've had a variety of uncomfortable side effects, but I've come across one of the strangest ones: my eyes are dilated and they can't focus. Strange because my doctor said the dose I was on "wouldn't do anything at all to me," good or bad. I also did some research before I started and didn't find anything about dilated eyes. So I went ahead and tried out the new med. All week I was feeling like things were really bright, I started hating this lamp in my apartment for being so big and incandescent and, finally, last night, I compared my pupil to my partner's and mine were big. So I'm typing this with her sunglasses on, which helps but my eyes still feel dry and fatigued. I'm at the point where I'm really questioning the utility of these meds. More often than not, I get side effects which significantly affect my ability to do my class work. My parents and psych. are on the pro-med side, the side that sometimes says if-you-are-bipolar-you-need-meds-for-life, but I'm not sure I believe that. I don't even remember what it feels like to be on no meds, and, while I know there were some tough times pre-med/dealing with bipolar, it could have just as easily been all the other changes I"ve worked to make, for example, more regular sleep and lowering my sugar intake. I don't think I should have to justify this decision to others, to my psychiatrist, my parents, yet I feel I do. I've been thinking about it for a while and this eye thing scares me. So maybe it's time.

art, transition...

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 01:21:50 GMT

I was ‘nudged’ by an LJ friend to update and I’ve been wanting to update for a while, so I appreciate this encouragement—Thanks, you know who you are :).

I’m getting further immersed in art, starting to feel like I can take on the identity of ‘art student.’ One of my current projects is casting feet in plaster and then creating some (still undecided) context for them. I want to relate feet (through movement, exercise) to my feelings about being manic, though I don’t know if I can strongly justify the link between feet and being manic.

I (still/always) cycle through intensities of wanting top surgery and testosterone. Averaging out the waves of relative body dysphoria gives me the sense that hormonal, surgical transition is something I want. In my most recent past, I’ve felt that T was what I wanted to try first, and then surgery. Lately, I’ve felt that I want top surgery first. I want to know what I feel like with a flat chest without any hormonal changes. This may not be feasible at all though due to the cost of surgery. I think that sometimes I’m a perfectionist about the order of things, that I can be too controlling and obsessive. Part of me feels order matters and another part of me wishes I didn’t care.

I’m going to update again soon about something that happened to me yesterday, but I wanted to post this stuff for now. Hi everyone :).

a shift in my reaction to being mistaken as female

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 07:33:01 GMT

I went to breakfast with my teacher from middle school last weekend expecting her to understand my gender as she did when I was thirteen, as female, and for her to indicate that through her language. I was prepared for it, but did not expect my reaction to it. A common reaction of mine to others misperceiving my gender has been pain, anger, frustration, and shame. In cases of these intense emotions, I would either be severely distracted or find space to be alone. My teacher used feminine language in reference to me and called me by my old name. Though I was slightly distracted by it, overwhelmingly, I was mostly just firmly annoyed. I didn’t have any of the intense emotions that I typically have had in these situations.

I admit that part of me began to wonder if decreased emotion around being mistaken female makes me less trans, or less male. If I were really male, wouldn’t I have anger and a need to prove my gender? Actually though, I feel that this (less intense) reaction reinforces the way that I want to deal with my gender. I don’t want to have to put so much energy into how others perceive me. That’s not to say I don’t have moments where I ache to be seen how I see myself: as male. But the anger, the I-hate-you-for-seeing-me-as-wrong-gender, the feelings of humiliation and shame seem to have lessened. Feeling more secure in my identity as male and less vulnerable around how others perceive my gender lessens the pain of being perceived as the wrong gender. I’d like to see it as a strengthening of my self, though I have to wait and see what comes in the future to know for sure.

T Grab Bag

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 06:30:38 GMT

T feels momentous. It feels like a marker for my life, for the point that (hopefully) body dysphoria ends, or lessens and where I move through the world a bit differently. I think of it as a critical shift. Yet, taking T feels like a grab bag. I grab and wait to be surprised. Finding little stuffed bears, or plastic trinkets, or maybe stale taffy or butterscotch candies or…all, some, or none of this. It is like a grab bag except with my body. And I’ve read all about this one, T, but still, I can’t read about my body and T until I feel it for myself. And that's scary to me. What is my grab bag? Will it be right for me? Somehow though, I must find a way to connect more with my body, to move about the world with a little more ease, to become more myself.

More T Talk and Intensities of Body Dysphoria

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 10:14:51 GMT

The intensity of my body dysphoria shifts. Right now, I'm coasting on a low-level dysphoria, not the brick wall that it sometimes is. It’s hard to think about changing my body at these moments. I consciously perceive myself to be mostly okay. At the same time, I want to hold space for ways that I may not know myself or body and also the times in the future that it will be a brick wall again. At the moment, the prospect of T feels important, but it seems neither wrong nor right. In brick wall weeks, T feels absolutely necessary.

I should mention that my body dysphoria shifts in part based on my moods that are characterized by more manic and more depressed phases along with a bad monthly event that lasts 3-5 days. During more manic phases, anger comes quickly and intense dysphoric moments are triggered more easily. During my more depressed times, for now, all I know is that body dysphoria seems lower. Also, in depressed phases, I have a slightly higher tolerance for the wrong pronouns and using the wrong bathroom. The bad monthly event of 3-5 days has typically been a brick wall.

I’m curious to know from those who experience body dysphoria, if it changes for you in intensity or other ways across time? I think I have some isolation around this process because I notice more talk of situational-based body dysphoria and fewer discussion of internal changes or patterns. I guess I’m still working it out, so I’m not sure if I’m being clear or not. But, if you feel inclined to share, I’m interested in hearing others' experiences.

In Between

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 11:26:49 GMT

I feel in between, committed to pursuing testosterone, yet afraid, still with some hesitancies. Some moments are pure excitement while in others, I ruminate about loss, health fears, negative change. At my most dysphoric moments, I imagine finally identifying with my body, connecting with it. I will admit, too, that I am excited people might automatically mark me as male.

I want to look good too though. Even now, I have moments when I am surprisingly happy with how I look. I want to like the way I look, that’s one way I connect with myself. And testosterone means potentially awkward change. Testosterone could mean looking strange to myself. Even ugly? That scares me too. I balance paradox and compromise around imagined changes of testosterone daily. One brief moment in front of the mirror feels like it changes everything, yet inevitably I change clothes, or have to take showers, or interact with my body and there’s the good old body dysphoria, like a nasty friend. A feeling I wish I could crack it open before anything changes.

new term...

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:12:42 GMT

"Hello Professor ---, I'm enrolled in your course --- and I'm emailing so that you know that I use male pronouns. Please refer to me in class and outside of class as he, him, his. If you have any questions, contact ------ in Student Life. I copied ---'s contact info below. See you in class, signed."

I would really love to stop sending these at the start of each term, but I always know it's worth a chance. Pronouns are intense, especially when this powerful person in control of this space (the instructor) is mis-pronouning me. I would rather not have to out myself as *someone who has to tell people their pronouns or else people won't use said pronouns.* Pushing the pronoun issue in the past has brought up some wierdness in office hours. I notice how much I hesitate to go to office hours for fear of being asked strange questions about gender (there's a few other reasons too). Also, sending these emails assumes that no prof. will get my pronouns right automatically, which is mostly true, but also saddens me too. If I just let things unfold, maybe I wouldn't have to send this serious annoying email. But, in the end I keep sending them because it's worth (at least now) for the few that do get my pronouns right. Although, one last thought: one professor last term was trying really hard and she would call me "she...he" which in a way worked okay, but in another way sucked even more (than just one wrong pronoun) because it drew unwanted attention to me.

T

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 05:24:57 GMT

T is something that I want to try, I'm not sure when though. I've decided to try to push myself and do some (non-LJ) research about it over my winter break (when I'm out of school). I'm hoping this will help me feel a bit more empowered and less scared of how it might affect my health negatively. I know there's a lot of rumors about T and health and I think that I need to get some clarity for myself. I struggle to take care of my health at times and I want to make sure I can be healthy if I try/start T. One of the problems with doing research is that I want to maintain this picture of T as perfect, as something that will come with no problems or complications. I have an investment in T, I want (and expect) so much from it and I could be bummed if I had to adjust to a more realistic picture. If/when I do start T, I am looking forward to most (maybe all) of the physical changes that could occur. I know that something has to change, and I'm trying to keep in mind that I wont know for sure if T will be that change until I try it. I'm trying to hold that uncertainty while also feeling a bit uncomfortable. I am having a lot of gender-related discomfort with my body. I think, in some ways, I can/could continue to handle people perceiving me as the wrong gender but I can't handle my body. Although, I can't say for sure...it's definitely quite stressful being perceived as something I am not. Well, anyways, I'm looking forward to Nick Gorton's book in mid-December and all the complicated emotions it might (or might not) bring up for me.

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:31:16 GMT

So I'm really having some body issues at the moment as well as more anxiety than I normally do. I'm not sure if I just don't remember the times when body stuff is more difficult or if things are just worse for now. I have a habit of ignoring body stuff around gender and other things (like just basic body care needs) so I"m not surprised I'm unclear about/unaware of my spectrum of feelings.

Anyways, I found myself sitting by my window and watching masculine people (I read them as men) and feeling jealous and a bit sad. And I need to be catching up on my school work, so I think this is getting in the way. I just feel my body so much in ways that I really don't want to. I still don't know about t (and also chest surgery) but I don't think that I will know for sure until I try it (t). I just am waiting until I"m ready, hopefully I will keep finding ways of feeling better. It's good for me to remember that, at the particularly difficult moments, I can choose (if I feel able) to push my awareness of myself to find these ways and things that might help.

edit: approx. and hour later... feeling a little calmer. I took some anti-anxiety stuff and found a nice outfit. I might invest some time in thinking about good ways of packing.

what makes me sad....

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 22:22:40 GMT

Professors that call me "she". I just feel so sad. get me out of this space. But I try to stay, I have a whole term ahead of me. Still, I can't describe how much it hurts. For better or worse, it's significant that they are this authority in charge of a whole classroom. One of whom I've email has managed to she me in both of the classes this week (usually it happens later in the term). I had sent her an email before the class started and corrected her both times. And I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to correct her. It's starting to feel like I"m with my family where it's she she she she and i'm like HE. HE. HE. all this time. will I just have to go to class and prepare to correct her everytime? it sucks, but it's better (for me) than ignoring it. Why does it affect me so much? I feel crumpled inside.

I wish what mattered for me was just how people i cared about treated me, but for some reason, having masc. pronouns are so integral to my sense of self right now. If i got he-d all the time, a few shes might not matter. who knows?

dinner, self consciousness, & gender odyssey

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:17:54 GMT

So I'm staying with my parents who live in a cul-de-sac in the suburbs and I ate dinner at a cul-de-sac barbque. So everyone is milling about or sitting around a few tables in the middle of this concrete circle. Family groups seemed to be staying to themselves until one person commented that I look like my mother. I introduced myself and she promptly got around to asking my mom about her "other" daughters. She thought my name was great and wanted to know how my mom chose it. I cut in an said that I chose it which promptly elicited "oh what's your birthname?" And she was pretty aggressive about it, but I just kept saying no, I don't tell anyone that and my mom doesn't either. A few moments after this passes without the disclosure of birthname someone who knew me by birthname says "how are you birthname?" I haven't been called that name in a long time and it was a whole new jolt me.

Yes, I'm processing, and I wish wish wish I didn't have to go through that stuff. At the same time, it was nice to interact with others, as mis-guided as they were. This will sound weird, but there was something cleansing about it. Maybe that I like community focused things, and the idea that community can happen in the places I'm most uncomfortable or least expect. Part of going out there (even if briefly) was to challenge my assumptions about the neighborhood and in a strange way that did happen. People were friendly, and that was nice and difficult. The paradox of it feels slightly alienating.

These moments that I have around gender, I end up collecting them because they are often fraught with emotion, often pain. So part of me feels silly to lay them out here for others to see...why can't this stuff just affect me less? But I also know that it's good for me to share, and good to write, and that I"m not forcing anyone to read so it's okay.

In other news I went to Gender Odyssey in Seattle. So much went on at that conference, and there is so much for me to think about about. Or even just feel. I think I understand better some of the perspectives I heard about it pre-conference and I"m excited to process those with others. But I just wonder, why am I avoiding thinking about it? There's probably some stuff there that really challenged the way that I thought about my gender and that's sorta scary.

things.

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 07:32:49 GMT

I went to tranz guyz group on Sunday and we had some good discussion around sex and intimacy. As the group is a two hour drive away in Portland, I ended up staying with my mom who got me to talk about stuff (gender) with her. It turned out to be a good conversation. She made some interesting observations about me when I was growing up, one being the particular difficulty I had with clothes shopping. I went through all my genderqueer clothes choices from when I was little and explained them to her. She also revealed that she is (mostly?) okay with whatever I decide to do with my body, and that's a relief. I have some history with her not being okay with my haircut choices and other body choices but she is in a much more supportive place now. I don't talk with my dad but she mentioned that he had the idea that I should go on hormones so that people will perceive me the way that I want to be perceived. It's a good sign that he's starting to think about that process of being seen by others, and the pain around that and that he has some understanding of the potential benefits of physical transition. Of course it wasn't the actual thought (of course I know what T might be able to do), just that he is thinking about things in a more complex way and making an effort to address me with masculine pronouns.

Right now I feel calm. I feel like I have different options and I'm not as worried in general about gender. I'm still thinking about my gender stuff and feeling it the same amount, just not as much of the frantic-ness. I feel more grounded. I wish I knew why. Maybe it's the beautiful rain, such a relief after all the sun and the warmth. I like the clouds and wetness at the moment.

Lastly, I'll be going up to Gender Odyssey next week, and I"m looking forward to meeting lots of different people and maybe learning some stuff.

Portland ftm group and being read

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 23:36:05 GMT

So I’m going to go to “Tranz Guyz” tomorrow in Portland. I’m a little nervous putting myself in a new situation, but I’m driving up with a few people, one of whom I know and that helps. It reminds me of going into the LGBTQA at University at a point when I was aching for queer community. It’s difficult for me to emotionally detach myself, because, well, I am attached to idea that this could be a good thing for me. July’s topic is testosterone with the first part being group discussion and then a q&a with medical professionals. I’m hoping I can soak it all in and bring some questions because I think a lot about T, but not in a very practical way.

In other happenings, I’ve been getting read as male by strangers and I’m thinking it’s because I’m spending more time off of the U and in places that have different gender divisions. That has been extraordinarily nice but also scary. It’s scary because I’ve never been treated like a man (or more often boy?) by random unknown men and it feels different than being treated female. I perceive there to be unknown standards and I don’t want to fuck up or get hurt (what if they decide I’m actually not male?). Maybe someday I’ll be able to articulate this fully, but right now I’m excited and just trying to make sense of it.